Why.

I dunno how real.
I dunno whats real.
One moment its a fight,
One moment its alr forgotten.

Did we choose to forget,
or just to bypass.
Its not healthy.
But its not helping.

Nothing to talk about.
OR we chose not to talk about.
Its getting harder, heavier.
As it sinks. and sinks... to the bottom.

I am confused.
I dunno what can we talk about.
The irritated look on your face,
perhaps told me I have crossed the line.
Or perhaps YOUR line.

Im just not me anymore.
and I dunno what to do anymore.

Yearning doesnt help.
Thinking doesnt help.
Missing doesnt help.

You think there is nth wrong.
Then why do I feel there is smth wrong.
When you ask me, what is really wrong.
Its not a simple answer that I could just reply.
If its only that simple. I wish.

Subconsciously.

a circle.
a line.
a fence.
a corner.
aside.

can i separate my thoughts and feelings?
can i separate my heart and my soul?
can i separate the pain and the joy?
can i separate how i wanna be and not wanna be?

do i have spilt personality?
quiet at times,
crazy at times,
sarcastic at times,
nonsensical at times,

which part do you prefer?

tied.
seeping through.
part and part of me.

drowning.
part and part of me.

emotionless.
part and part of me.

let me choose.
when i could manipulate my mind.
manipulate my soul.
manipulate my heart.
till it doesnt...
be affected at all.

maybe all these is just me.
too emotional.

maybe im only bringing pain to myself.
when nth has ever happened.
when there isnt a problem at all.
maybe im paranoid.

But.
Wont you just...
Tell Me.

confused.

When is it right.
When is it wrong.
When is it too much.
When is it too wrong.
How much more.
How lot more.

Too much emotions to pen down.
Too much worries unheard.
Too much times forgotten.
Too much left unsaid.

I have gotta understand. Or perhaps accept.
But how lot more.
How insesitive can one get.
Will I be left emotionless as I stripped myself of feelings.
Or should I be constantly affected by it with smth called Jealously.

Any obsession is bad.
Any overdoing is worse.
Have you realise the one thats is around you.
Have you seen the face or emotions magnified by actions.
Or are you indulged.
In a own land of fantasty.

Maybe its better to be a stone.
A statue.
Fized expressions.
Fixed emotions.
Fixed reactions.
But that will then not be me.

Maybe I shld take my hand away from the stove.

Feel-good perks.

Recently I feel happy when I smell my own perfume. Hmmmm maybe thats weird I dunno. But It seems like Im getting perfume that I like, for myself to smell. LOL. Some girls, they get alluring perfume to attract guys, but for me, the perfume is for me to SMELL and feel HAPPY. Hahahahhaha

BLINGGGGG is also another thing tat makes me feel good. Hmmm I have upgraded from pasting made-blings(those tat are less shiny and come in one piece) to own self blinging my phone. Yes, I can paste wadever I like, whichever colour, whichever theme that I want for my phones. Apparently I am addicted to it. Hahaah but no more phones to bling le!

My pink lollipop phone now has a dessert theme where its is covered with pop-up cakes, ice cream, biscuits, chocolate, very much like a how a Japanese would decorate it. HEHHHHH.

Shopping is a great pick-me-up as well =) Thoughhh I didnt buy alot cos must save money but the idea of shopping cheers.

Recently been to the national museum where there is a Egypt Exibition and there are REAL MUMMIES INSIDE. ITS DARN COOL YET FREAKY. ahahahhaa I realli enjoy it though. Hope zima will be able to go soon, i bet she will love it.

More work and homework for me to do. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. so feel-good perks is ESSENTIAL.

Hope to catch up with fren before i become more anti-social! ahahaha

MEGA SHOPPING MOOD.

Today met pei and ming and ray and we went to Tamp 1 to service my lollipop phone. Actually I just want to do software upgrade, the person, after letting us wait like 20 mins tell us that there is no more newer version than "A". But online, there is version "D" alr!

Anyways, cant be bothered alr then we decided to go shoppingggg instead. HAHAHAH buy clothes, cream, clothes again. Serously my wardrobe is kinda full but oh well, shopping makes me feel happier.

Life is so............................. blant. I dunno, serously I think im kinda confused in what I truly want in life. Some ppl want a family. Some ppl want a car. Some ppl want a mansion. Some just truly wanna be where they are. Like me.

I dunno, I dun have high expectations as well. As long as I am not hungry, happy, with my parents, can do small shopping sprees at times, tats enuff for me. Or maybe because of that, thats why I find my life kinda boring... No new aims like, hey I want that bag, I want that shoe etc, that kinda of motivation to push me forward and get what I want, and when I do, most ppl are greatly happy then they find the next aim.

Should I have so many aims like that? Probably not. Maybe I will be bankrupt then. So then what do I want in life? To get a gd job n earn alot of money??? AND THEN??? BUY ALOT OF THINGS???? AND THEN????????????????

It makes me ponder why do we need to study so much just to get a gd job and just to earn money. Till then we will be tied to 9 to 5 job and really just working for our life.
And if u have kids, you cannot DUN work.You gotta feed them and stuff, till then when does WAD YOU WANT come into the picture? not anymore. Its about kids alr.

IF you have gd kids, awesome. If you have naughty ones, god bless you.
AND THEN maybe you will be kiasu and want the BEST for your kid. Thats when all the tutoring, more hw, get into gd school come in AGAIN. So when you have kid and he/she does well, you might BOAST to your relatives as most of them COMPARE.

Seriously, why make life so hard? Comparing and make urself miserable. BUT ppl do that, even sometimes I cant help but do that too, after all I am still human. And at times like tat, I hate myself too.

After your kids grow up under pressure of comparing and perhaps peer pressure, they mature and grow up. Then you worry if they get married or not. zzz. Sometimes I hate chinese new yr as tats the time everyone get together and ask," What you doing now? Schooling? Got bf?".
It is IRRITATING. I used to just answer, but now I QUESTION THEM BACK to let them know how it REALLY FEELS.

GET A GRIP MAN.

Maybe I still need to find, my piece of land under the sky.