Hang in there.

Problem half-solved.

Hopefully tml problem will be fully solved.

Yes I totally hope for that, so then my heart wont feel the burden anymore.

I guess the motivation for tis blog is that I have a venue to vent my frustrations, share my pain and express myself better when things happen. So most of the entries are emotional. LOL. not exactly reflect how my everyday life as when shit happens, this blog will def have a feel of it.

Haha.

I figured out that in order for me to be truly happy. I must find myself.
I always thought that I know myself, I am the real me and I am being the real me.

Little did I realised that, that is not exactly true. Not saying that I faked frenships and stuff la. It just sometimes I wear a mask. I hide myself.
I conceal myself. Maybe too much till its suffocating.

I have chose to let the inner me roam free. Yes. Not scared of the circumstances anymore. Not afraid what I say or do may end up ppl disliking me. (I mean not those extreme like,"YOU SUCK" and stuff lar.)

I just wanna be ME. Be who I am, Laugh out loud. Give dramatic expressions or words, yes I dun fucking care.

Wear wadeva nonsense I deem fit. Though you may find it mismatch but hey, I dun care =)
Cos I am happy, Thats me.

So from now on, I am rewriting my own history.

fuck.
just fucked up.

im too blur.
too blur beyond help.

messed up.
and now i feel............................. like hell.

not really getting any real support.
not really.

regret.
really regret

i tot my life was realli good.
one of a kind really.
but i guess all does have a price.

Chalet 2/7/2010--4/7/2010

Chalet at Costa Sands. Though its more spacious but its furtherrrrrr. Still prefer Downtown east ba. lol. Niwae first day, we had steamboat. Yes, steamboat in chalet. cool eh. We had a 3 hrs LONGGGGG steamboat. eat rest eat rest and eat again.

It was pretty fun i guess. Then we played Monopoly DEAL and Majongggg. I miss Majong now. LOL. We all slept ard 6am. hmmm. right. tats early.

Woke up ard 11am, dying of hunger, we went to eat Superdog. Yum. Shopping and then head back for BBQ. It was rainingm took umbrella and shelter BBQ pot literally! And yes, the food is cooked and we dun need to book another bbq pit(portable) so we can BBQ under shelter.

MORE FOOD. ALOT OF FOOD. stingray, chicken wing, chicken chop, goshhh, prawn, sotong(very good), NUGGETS. yum.

Besides the food and fun, there was bonding with frens. Soul-searching too.
Long talks with fren, make me realised alot more, learn alot more, feel alot more.
perhaps understand alot more about life, love, ppl and reality.

This chalet is special, its different. Some ppl think tat its not realli a gd one as not alot of ppl stayed, but hey, there was bonding.

I learnt. I rejoice, I understand and I live.

Though there was tiffs, there was unhappiness, there was misunderstandings but I guess it was still good at the end of the day.

As for ppl who thinks they are the most RIGHT, or that you could say wadeva u like just because you cant stand it nor do you reali understand what is going on. I dun like you. As being the self centered one, perhaps you cant feel what the party as felt.

Life.
It can be as simple as you want.
Or as torturous if you want.
I dun want the latter.

Chose to look at things in a different yet NOT DELUSIONAL WAY.
and i hope for the better.
It wasnt easy when personality may clash
It wasnt easy when one cant express their own,
But it was easy to just smile, just think of the happy times we shared and the reason of why we held on.

I know what I want.
And it involes you.
Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
But, I wanna try. for you.

JULY ALREADY.

Great. 2 months since I last blogged. Not much things has happen, or perhaps exciting enuff for me to blogged down.

Work. Shop. Work. Shop. Yeah, life roughly like that.

detachment.

How to have a balanced lifestyle? I asked myself. Yeah. Family, school, work, frens, love all gotta come into the pic. But what if, some part has more percentage than others? How to define balanced after all. How much is enough to be balanced too?

heart.

Do you know how to stop your heart from beating or simply.. feeling? perhaps I can.
Sometimes I wonder, how come tears could fall yet you cant feel your heart beating?
It amazed me truly.

I dunno if I wanted too much. or there simply wasnt enough. I am quite sick of it really.

Going round n round. back here and there. round up down again.

I could. put it aside. I could dun care abt it.
I could. dont dare me, cause I could.

I might. simply forget everything and move on.
I might. want to erase everything and everything at all.
dont dare me, cos i might.

slowly. its eating me up.
slowly, its disappearing.
slowly, its vanishing.
slowly, its alr gone.

i dunno what i want anymore. i dunno if its okie to even want.

keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown.
im not loving you the way i wanted to.
see i wanna move, cant escape from you,
so i keep it low, keep the secret cold, so that no one have to know.
i cant keep myself and keep you too.

Love lockdown. Kanye West.

Lucky.

I could not express how lucky i am. The way i live, the frens i have. My parents who mean everything to me. The work tat brought me joy and laughter cause of the bear builders who are as crazy as i am. The person who is worried if i am angry and perhaps treat me better than i treat myself. Lucky indeed. Recently i was shopping in bugis, having some alone time when i saw Joyce workin! Lol. World is small. Just nice wan ting will be coming down to bugis as well. And so the three of us have dinner at roma deli :) unplanned outing which is cool :) and just Ydae after lunch with pei, i saw my aunt and hence went to lunch with her too. Lol. World is small yet weaving our hearts closer. Our thoughts nearer :) i feel happy recently. Happy.

Recently...

Shagged.

I meant Im tired from working working and more working. Damn, did I mention I haven start studying for my exam yet? gosh.

Apparently now im stoning infront of my lappie.....................................................
.........................................................................................................................................

Recently life has been, hmmm... alright I guess? niwae I bought 2 kites! Cant wait to fly w my dad(realli-into-kites-now) and my mum who will literally watch us. hahahahha.

Thanks to pei, who brought me herbal tea when Im sick. And a bakerzin cake to make me feel better. Hmmm. Yum.

This sat gonna watch IRON MAN 2 with pei and frens. yeahhhhhhhh. cant wait. actually cant wait for work to end and start of the weekend! I cant wait for a free day so I could eat dim sum buffet w shin yi.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Practically gg crazy alr from lack of slp. yawn.

catch up soon.

wee.

Things have been better.

As I have learnt another way of dealing with it.
Taking my hand off the stove.

Its not realli a bad thing at all.
Besides, I think it brought more good things after all.

I have learnt to be more... reserved. patient. not paranoid in a sense.
Sometimes though I feel the monkey in me is hopping mad and crazy, but I choose to..... breathe in and forget abt the monkey.

Its not easy. But I think maybe I shld just tie the monkey up instead.

I am grateful for what I had, for the technology that we have, sms, call, FB etc.
I feel that being who I am now and how I live my life now is a gift. I shld appreciate it.

For the frens that I have, though we didnt go out much but u do know tat i care =)
all my buddies, besties, sisters, honey, darlings, and the list goes on.

Recently got a new hobby!! That is to Kite fly =) My aunt found a new place, alot of open fields at woodlands area and yes we are addicted to kie flying for now. Now before anyone start saying why never jio anyone to join, LOL, u can join us, me and my parents =) Just drop me a call or sms and we shall arrange =) That is, if you are free though =)

One thing abt my dad and kite is, HE NEVER BELIEVE IN RUNNING AND FLYING A KITE.
He always say, if gt wind, sure can fly de.

Ydae we went, sure enuff, within 10 mins of standing on same ground, our kite is up in the air~
A stud whu is doin proj came and took pics of our kite and stuff. LOL.

But after a while, me neck began to ache. From looking high up for too long. LOL.

Im happy these days, much much better I feel.

with a hint of love.

Why.

I dunno how real.
I dunno whats real.
One moment its a fight,
One moment its alr forgotten.

Did we choose to forget,
or just to bypass.
Its not healthy.
But its not helping.

Nothing to talk about.
OR we chose not to talk about.
Its getting harder, heavier.
As it sinks. and sinks... to the bottom.

I am confused.
I dunno what can we talk about.
The irritated look on your face,
perhaps told me I have crossed the line.
Or perhaps YOUR line.

Im just not me anymore.
and I dunno what to do anymore.

Yearning doesnt help.
Thinking doesnt help.
Missing doesnt help.

You think there is nth wrong.
Then why do I feel there is smth wrong.
When you ask me, what is really wrong.
Its not a simple answer that I could just reply.
If its only that simple. I wish.

Subconsciously.

a circle.
a line.
a fence.
a corner.
aside.

can i separate my thoughts and feelings?
can i separate my heart and my soul?
can i separate the pain and the joy?
can i separate how i wanna be and not wanna be?

do i have spilt personality?
quiet at times,
crazy at times,
sarcastic at times,
nonsensical at times,

which part do you prefer?

tied.
seeping through.
part and part of me.

drowning.
part and part of me.

emotionless.
part and part of me.

let me choose.
when i could manipulate my mind.
manipulate my soul.
manipulate my heart.
till it doesnt...
be affected at all.

maybe all these is just me.
too emotional.

maybe im only bringing pain to myself.
when nth has ever happened.
when there isnt a problem at all.
maybe im paranoid.

But.
Wont you just...
Tell Me.

confused.

When is it right.
When is it wrong.
When is it too much.
When is it too wrong.
How much more.
How lot more.

Too much emotions to pen down.
Too much worries unheard.
Too much times forgotten.
Too much left unsaid.

I have gotta understand. Or perhaps accept.
But how lot more.
How insesitive can one get.
Will I be left emotionless as I stripped myself of feelings.
Or should I be constantly affected by it with smth called Jealously.

Any obsession is bad.
Any overdoing is worse.
Have you realise the one thats is around you.
Have you seen the face or emotions magnified by actions.
Or are you indulged.
In a own land of fantasty.

Maybe its better to be a stone.
A statue.
Fized expressions.
Fixed emotions.
Fixed reactions.
But that will then not be me.

Maybe I shld take my hand away from the stove.